Couples
Counseling

I recently talked with a very concerned mother and father about their 16 year old son.  He was perceived by his parents as lying, disrespectful, oppositional, lacking in values and ethics, and willing to shift his story to “win” at any cost.  They said that he was lacking in empathy and showed little or no remorse when caught violating the rules.

My first stop was the DSM IVR which stated that the boy fit the definition of a  Sociopath, and would need intense and long term therapy.  The adolescent is “high risk” for spending the majority of his life in and around our criminal justice system.

This case got me thinking.

I would use this same definition in describing our Congress and many of our politicians.  I would use this same definition in describing some or maybe most of the Fortune 500 companies, the highest authorities of the Catholic Church, and idolized sports figures with feet of clay .

The role of parenting adolescents through their highly vulnerable age is getting more difficult.  Part of the difficulty is self inflicted by our society.

How are we as parents supposed to teach virtuous values and behaviors, when every day our adolescents are exposed to politicians, companies (through television ads), and religious institutions, who publicly lie, cheat, steal, and say anything or nothing to put forth their less than subtle agendas?

I will not accept this societal double standard as an excuse for the boy’s behavior.  I can sympathize with the parents, however, in their attempts to impart decent and considerate values to their son, while being mocked by daily reality.

Yesterday Tessa and I received some bad news.  We found out our friend, Larry, has had a major stroke.  We went to the hospital because Larry is one of the world’s good guys and has touched us as well as many others with his kindness.  Tessa and I were heartened when we found so many of his friends and family gathered to stand together with prayers, positive thoughts, and support for Larry, his wife, and family.

It got me to thinking about the way we define a good human being.  We, as individuals, come into contact with countless people as we navigate through our days.  For too many of us we get so caught up in meeting the demands of life and not connecting with those humans who are part of the demands.  We are much more concerned with accomplishing the tasks than relating with others.

Less frequently we are fortunate to meet someone like Larry who will take the time to be concerned, kind, and caring even while being busy with his family and career.  It was wonderful to see all those whom Larry has touched giving back to him and his family.

The measure of a good human, the measure of Larry, is the friends who selflessly and tirelessly give back the love, caring, and kindness they have received.

Whether you know Larry or not, we need to be more often appreciative and express that appreciation and not just wait for tough times to do it.

We, the collective we, need to send our prayers and positive thoughts to Larry because the world needs him and others like him to continue their kind deeds.  There are too few Larrys in this life.   So let’s all rally on his behalf.

So here’s to you, Larry: get better, get back on your feet, play some more golf, the world needs you to model your kindness.

Tessa and I recently worked with a couple who wanted to have more “intimacy.”  We asked the question,” How would you know if you had more intimacy?”

The couple responded predictably.  The husband said, “We would have more sex.”  The wife replied, “We would be closer.  We would do more things together and share our thoughts and opinions.”

The couple’s statements cover a broad range of the continuum of “intimacy.”  It has to be both physical and emotional, present and future, predictable yet evolving.

We know that the terms “intimacy, safety, and vulnerability” go hand in hand.  A formula perhaps: safety + vulnerability = intimacy.  A couple cannot have intimacy without both safety and vulnerability.  A person will not be vulnerable by exposing areas susceptible to attack or harm, without feeling emotionally and physically safe.

Tessa and I also know that safety in the present cannot be established or maintained if there is doubt about the future of the relationship.  The tendency is to protect one’s self by not becoming vulnerable within a relationship that has a doubtful future.

As long as there is physical safety, how does a partner or spouse secure the relationship’s future to make intimacy possible today?

Predictability of behavior is a large factor in securing the relationship’s future.  Predictability and credibility are related.  Words match behavior consistently over time.

Something as small as being on time is important. Constantly being late for engagements erodes your credibility.  It raises the issue, “How important am I to you?”

Allying with your partner by creating protective boundaries against all other relationship invasions, will secure the future.  This message, your partner’s importance,
will provide safety and allow for an intimate relationship.

So in summary, securing your relationship’s future is necessary for safety in the present, allowing each member to be vulnerable and therefore intimate.

Remember, safety + vulnerability = intimacy.

Tessa and I recently had a couple in our office.  The woman was facing an internal dilemma.  She wanted her husband to occasionally bring her flowers (like he used to).  She did not want to ask him.  She felt that if he wanted to-he would.  Asking would negate the loving act of bringing her flowers.  Yet, she desperately wanted him to bring them.

Here is a partial transcript of that interaction:

Wife: I don’t think I have the right to ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do.

Tessa: Ask and see what happens.

Wife: I loved it when you used to bring me flowers.  It would be so important to me if you would bring me flowers every once in a while.

Husband: Oh!  I have moved my office since that time and it would make me late coming home.  I have thought of it but I want to get home on time and not make dinner late or you mad so I haven’t swung by the flower store.

Husband: If I’d have know it was so important I would have done it.  If you don’t get mad at me for being late like you did the other day,  I’ll pick up flowers from time to time.

Wife: If you are late with flowers in your hand I promise I will not be mad.

Tessa: (Speaking to the wife) You can then reject the loving act of bringing you flowers if you say or think, “the flowers don’t mean as much to me because I’ve had to ask you (husband) for them.”

Tessa: (Speaking to the wife) Instead perhaps you can see them as even more of a loving gesture, a gift, in view of the fact that it’s extra work and time that your husband has expended to bring flowers because they’re important to you.  That gesture is of extra value.

Do we have a right to ask our partner for change?

We not only have a right, we have an obligation and responsibility to the other and the relationship to communicate that want or need.  If we don’t communicate it then we have been irresponsible to the duties of our relationship.

In summary, communicate specifically and clearly the behavior you want.  If you do not you will be contributing to the erosion of your relationship.

A simple phrase will help you remember this rule: barter or martyr.

Tessa and I see many couples who really don’t understand this concept and as a result have problems with their marriage and their family.  Like the organizational structure of a successful business (executive [spouses], middle management [parents], employees [children]) the family has to have a successful structure.  The successful family structure finds the spouses (husband and wife) the most important group, the executives, within the family.

We work with many couples who think that being father and mother is the most important function within the family.  That is like expecting middle management to make the crucial decisions and chart the long term course for your business.  That structure will not work.

If time is a commodity rare to the family it is more important for the husband and wife to go alone to a movie together than to attend their child’s soccer game. It is most important for the husband and wife to nurture their relationship even at the cost of time with the children.

The ability of the spouses to communicate that level of commitment to their partner, that protective boundary around their relationship,  establishes emotional safety.  Emotional safety is essential for spouses to be intimate and trusting and is fundamental to marital and family stability.

Again, the most important function and relationship in the family is that of the husband and wife.  Protect it or suffer.

Cars and Love is a really fun book filled with 60 years of relationship wisdom presented in an easy-to-read format.  It is a “how to” manual of relationship fundamentals.

Tessa Kershnar, MFT and Steve Parker, Ph.D., MFT have collaborated in this book to bring the reader their combined experiences working with couples.

They present the 6 fundamentals of establishing and maintaining a long and enduring relationship: sex/intimacy, commitment, communication, cooperation, flexibility and maintenance using the metaphor of a car.

This blog will be dedicated to presenting representative pages of Cars and Love with the author’s thoughts and comments for discussion.

Enjoy!